Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Randomize
