he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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