Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
