he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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