Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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