Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
