i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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