I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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