actually, I'm a sock model
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
