my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need to align my fucking chakras
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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