I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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