I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
