Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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