some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
