The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she looked like the before picture.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
