About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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