my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
