He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
