Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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