So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
