The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
