in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
