Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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