I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
