I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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