We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
