When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Oh god it's open bar.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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