12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
