You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
