I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
