i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
