i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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