I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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