My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
