Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
