I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
