I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
