I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
