Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
