i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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