6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
