Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
