4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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