I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
