I think i peed on brittanys purse
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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