White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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