just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
