did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
