Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
