Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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