epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
